Philippians 4:13

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

I have always doubted on myself and on what I can do. Whenever there's a responsibility that is being given to me, I always feel that there's something lacking in me to perform the task successfully. And perhaps there really is something lacking. But why do I always finish the work being given to me? Its because somebody fills up for what is lacking in me. Somebody so great that words cannot describe. Yes it is Jesus who fills up my incompetence. He always provides. With Him by my side, I shall fear nothing. I can do anything.

I've had bi-polar disease for a few years now. I've had difficulty in concentrating and in learning new things. I've had super low moments that I sometimes feel like just staying in my bed all my life and do nothing. I feel like I do not enjoy doing anything and thus doing nothing seems to be a better option than struggling to live. But God doesn't allow me to wallow in my depressed emotions. He will always use people around me to remind me of the things I need to do, the things that I am capable of doing, and the things that I once enjoyed. He always tells me how to cope with my disorder. Thank God he uses my friends and family to tell me He doesn't leave me alone. And thus I can truly say, "With God, nothing is impossible and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".

My 1st Bowling Tournament

I have never played bowling for so long. I really do not know how to play the game. I just know you have to throw the ball and hit all the pins at the end. Luckily, our company's Christmas Party this year includes a bowling tournament in the itinerary. I got to play bowling again. (The first one was at a mall with my High School friends). Prior to the game, i received a few tips from my Teammates. My first set was great! I scored more than a hundred and had made a few strikes. Maybe it was just beginner's luck for my second set was not as good. But either way we had a great time! Our team ranked 2nd among 3 teams. Not so bad afterall!

I am a Yes Man!

I've had some difficulty living these a life these past few days. My depression is at its attack. I feel hopeless again. I don't enjoy doing anything, etc. etc.

So, I told this to a friend and she advised me to watch this movie. I looked at the trailer. I was strucked by the dialogue " You are saying NO to Life and therefore you are not living"... Everytime an opportunity presents itself, you will say YES!" Then I understood why my friend wants me to watch this. It's to make me loosen up and just like the movie, make me say YES to life.

I am looking for ways to download the movie as of now. Can't wait to watch this.

Gaining Weight

I found a picture of me about 5 or 6 years ago. I just realized how much i put on weight. The picture was taken from a trip to Cebu when i was working in my first job.

Since then i probably had an additional 4 inches on my waist, and gained about 20 lbs. Now that i'm writing it down, i figured, i really do have to make some ways to shed off some pounds.

I just don't know why i gained so much weight. I have not been eating alot. I manage to control my meals to healthy proportions. Lately i only eat half a cup of rice during lunch.

I must admit, i have not had much exercise. It seems too much for me. My only exercise is the rare times i play badminton with my cousin for one hour. Too rare that in a month i guess we played just twice. I rarely do even a 5 minutes exercise on the treadmill.

Perhaps i do need to push myself to doing some exercise to lose weight. My, it's too difficult to do. Every morning i force myself to wake up to go to work and now i still have to do some exercise???? God help me.

New Look

Everyday life is changing... Continue to make a difference...

This is what i hear on an online radio. And then one application in FB says, try something new today. Tells me I need a break from a routine. So here's what i thought of. A new look for my blog. Hahaha. Its something small but still a difference. And little by little i know i can make a everyday different from previous days.

As one song says... One step at a time... I'm climbing my mountain, one step at a time.

Today is different from the rest. Why? Previous days i would always complain about the time when i am not doing anything at work. But now i realized there are alot of things I can do when I dont have a pending task at work. I can write emails and blogs for one, I can read posts in facebook, research about my sickness or anything under the sun. Call home and have a chat with my Mom. Send a text message to my sister, who i realized i have not talked to as much as before. I listen to online radios, read news, download music. There's so much to do to let idle time pass by until a new task comes up and I become busy again. Afterwhich, i can resume doing these things again. Life is sometimes like this. It does not have to be hard all the time. Sometimes it can be easy.

I don't have to be hard on myself. :)

Happy State

Generally I've been in a happy state since Saturday. I've been blessed with a caring family and friends. And a wonderful God.

I watched a comedy movie, Praybeyt Benjamin, with my parents last Saturday. Prior to that I had a really nice talk with my Psychiatrist. Talking to her always leaves me a positive outlook in life. Its as if I had sorted out things in my life which can make me go on living for another month until I see her again. She's like a friend already.

Anyways, going back to the movie, it was a great comedy movie. The people in the moviehouse were laughing in unison on the simplest jokes. I think we all need a good laugh that day and we were immensely satisfied. My father said the movie is quite a short one, which means he enjoyed the movie that he didn't notice the time.

I accomplished a number of good things since the start of the workweek. I managed to handle a series of feeling tensed due to meetings with various people where I'm the main person and not just the one listening. Sigh. I wish I can be more confident next time.

I had a really nice conversation with a friend which made me realize alot of things that I need to change in my attitude in life. She helped me sort out my confusions and clarify things that i need to do to change the current unhappy state in my life. I think I'm starting to do some changes little by little since that talk.

Happy. Its so nice to be Happy. Falalala. Hahaha. I love it!

Feeling Blessed

I thought of creating a masterpiece article in this blog entry. But then again, i know I'm not a writer. And the purpose why i created this blog is for me to write how i feel so I decided to write from the heart instead.

I feel blessed today. Blessed with friends who cares and who did not judge me for what happened to me more than 2 years ago. It was the time when I've had depression. Although the doctor have not told me the type of depression I had. ( I have never asked.)I think I've had psychotic depression. I was hearing voices before. Voices that tells me what to do, how to think, and what other people are thinking about me and the family. To me it was all so real. For some time I thought I could hear thoughts of other people and its a special power or gift. So for quite some time I thought I could handle the "gift". Until it all went out of control and I cannot control my emotions and thoughts anymore. I became irrational and I've lost my mind. I don't know what I say and do at that time. All these things i didn't keep from some of my chosen friends. They know everything.

Just recently I've had the same experience again. But now I know I'm not going through this alone. I know aside from my family, I do have my friends. Friends who really cares. Who never leave you when you need them. They know when I am joking about this experience but deep inside I need help again. With them I need not say things bluntly. It's as if, they can interpret a single sigh.

I can say anything to them now. I can tell them about fears about the future, about being alone, about not having my own family, about questioning my faith in God. And they've been very patient... listening to every word I say. And then telling me things that would pacify my confused state...providing insights out of their own experiences that would make me feel loved and blessed. I am overwhelmed by this feeling that I have to write it down.

Oh and one more thing.... I miss another bestfriend... JESUS. I hope I can talk with him again. The kind of talking that I have with my other friends. I hope to have the kind of conversation that we used to have before... just like when I was in college. I HOPE TO TALK TO YOU SOON!!! I MISS YOU JESUS!

Blogging

I don't really have anything new to say here today. Come to think of it, my life has been pretty much the same. I still have the same concerns as what I've already posted in here. I guess i should do something different to make my life more interesting to share here.

Here are some bits of new things though:
1. The project I started planning has been approved and we will start implementing it by November 22. I hope it will all go well. I hope we would see alot of things to improve and the activity would be fruitful. I hope we could achieve goals we have set for this project. This is my first major project so I'm really hoping for best results.
2. One of my colleague has become a father for the first time. All of us in the office are very happy for him. Of course some of us envy him for having the best Christmas gift. How we wish we could have the same fate sometime soon in the future. :)
3. At home, we've been busy last week due to halloween and all soul's day. But its still something we would want to do over and over for the memory of those who have passed away in the family. Show them we love them and we do remember them and pray for them. At the same time we ask for their guidance as we all know they're looking down at us from heaven. Come to think of it I should have created another blog about it. If i have time tomorrow I would write a blog about halloween.I would end my entry here for now. It's almost time to go home.

I miss home. I want to rest and have a small chat with my family before I go to sleep. :) See yah tomorrow!

On the Run

This week is really great! Gone are the mornings where I think about what can I possibly do for the day. When I come to work, I have a series of activities lined up. Great! And just when a task is about to be finished and I would have nothing to do again, another task comes up. Its really great!

A friend who I talked to about my relaxed work schedule which bores me and make me not want to go to work told me I have a really "big problem". She told me that sarcastically. I know she's having more complex problems that me at work. But to me this is a big thing. Not wanting to go to work means less income and more time to think about what to do. I'm the kind of person who likes to have the time to think about what to do next. But doing that every 15 minutes is a torture already. It made me feel worthless to the company.

But this week is different from the rest. THANK YOU GOD! I've been asking for this in prayers and my prayers were answered! AGAIN, THANK YOU GOD! Nothing is really impossible with God.

I feel like I'm running on a race this week. And it feels good to run on a race track. (I wish i can do the same physically for my health, hehehe) I LOVE THIS WEEK.

By the way, this weekend is a long holiday. All the more reason to be happy about! Life is just great! It's good to be alive indeed. I hope every week is like this. :)

Doing Nothing

I have never had a work schedule like this. For more than a week now I go to work without a particular thing to do. My work as a Document Controller in this company had been very lenient that mostly I do not have anything to do throughout the day. Having already updated the databases, my work now begins when there's a new document that needs to be uploaded and updated in the system, which does not happen everyday and which only occurs once or twice at a time. Updating the system only takes about 10-15 minutes. So you can just imagine the things I do to let the time pass by. I surf the net. I am online in facebook and reading status updates from friends all throughout the day. I call my parents just to have a small chat. I read news in yahoo. I open all my email accounts. I write blogs. Wow, I just realized I do alot of things these past few days. The only problem is, they're not work related. And I feel guilty about it. My colleagues have alot of things to do that they sometimes forget the time. (Except when their stomach growls signalling the time for lunch).

I do not like to have this kind of schedule all the days of my life. So I'm thinking of actually asking my boss to give me a routine job to keep me busy. My only problem is if this situation I'm in is just seasonal and sometime soon I'll be busy updating the system with alot of information. Which means asking for an additional routine job would mean punishing myself eventually. But I figured my boss would know whether this situation would be seasonal or not. And asking him for routine work would mean I don't like idle time and that I value my time in the company.

I hope to find the courage to talk to my boss before I get bored with this job.

Life and Death

I didn't know who Steve Jobs was until yesterday when I heard the news about his death.

I'm not a techy person so I usually don't give a damn about the industry. (Ironically, I'm working in an IC Fabless company now.)

Anyways, reading through some quotes from Steve Jobs in facebook made me insterested to know about him more. One would be awed as to how Steve Jobs lived his life. A college drop-out and yet managed to put up a one hell of a great company, Apple. Was struck by a challenge when he got kicked out of his own company but managed to put up another company, Pixar, another one successful venture. Makes me wanna think that perhaps there are people meant for greatness. People who knows what they want and knows how to achieve them. At an early age he knew college will not help him know what he wants to do. He followed his heart. What's pretty amazing is he understood what his heart wants. Me, i dont have an idea. Being diagnosed with depression i feel like i cannot trust what i feel, so i cannot trust my heart. Just like now. I feel like i dont like my job anymore, so i sometimes think about quitting again. But in the absence of any alternative, I stay with this job, hoping that everything will turn out fine and this feeling is just part of my being depressed and in time, with the help of medications and counselling, this will all go away.

I envy Steve Jobs' life. I feel like he has accomplished what he came here to do. He left a mark into this world. I wish i can be the same. Maybe not as spectacular, but at least i want to leave a mark. A mark i can call my own. A heroine in some sense. Perhaps not to everyone but at least to the people I've been with. I hope I could find my own greatness. Know what i want, what my heart tells me to do before i leave this world and die. Just like Steve Jobs, and live a great life.

Back on Track

I feel like I'm back! Thank You God!!!

Today i started the day really low. I actually thought of not going to work. I was glad I didn't follow my feeling this morning.

I was busy the whole morning. I got to finish a few things early and then my brain seems to be working today. I got some ideas for the planned supplier audit. I feel like I'm getting my rhythym back. I was really really glad.

Thanks to my youngest sister too. She proved that the distance between us will not hinder the two of us from being sisters, from supporting each other no matter what. I love my sister very much. And i really do miss her alot. Good thing we talked through email this morning. At least i know someone listens.

LOST

I dunno what has gotten into me. For the past weeks I seem to be complacent and seemingly not wanting to do anything but the routinary stuff. Updating, reviewing documents and ensure they are archived and linked to the correct devices. I told during my job interview that if this work would only be mostly clerical in nature, i would not accept it. But now that I was in my 6th month at work, I seem to like the clerical part and not the facilitator of improvement part.

I am an addict for improvement before. I initiate things. But now, I feel like just going with the flow. I hate it. It seems that my brain is not working anymore. I hate the fact that I don't want to exert effort to do other things aside from my routine. To think that I'm getting bored with my routines.

This is not a good sign. I've got to find my rhythm back. I've got to think outside the box. I've got to be my old self in that sense.

I want to always be a FACILITATOR of IMPROVEMENT. Got to learn, got to think, got to act.... NOW!!!!

Letting Time Go By

Monday, the start of a whole new work week. It has been a much better day than most days prior. I had a productive meeting and is looking forward to another meeting tomorrow. Hope to learn alot tomorrow.

But like all the other days, I was not busy. That's why I have time to write a blog today. I'm not happy with too much idle time. I wait for the day when I would be busy again. I wait for the day when I have another thing to do after I finished one. Or the times when I would have to monitor my schedule to make sure I alot time for each activity.

Oh busy days... how i miss you. Hahaha. (Quite ironic for most member of the workforce where people long for a breather from daily tasks).

But like a previous colleague said, enjoy these times. Because when work comes.... it doesn't just rain, it pours. :)

On Getting Married

I'll be turning 30 next month and I am still single.

Should I be ashamed or proud of that?

Ashamed. Ashamed of not being able to attact members of the opposite sex or not being able to keep them interested. For the last 29 years I have had just one boyfriend. A long distance affair. Maybe its the distance that made him love me. (If he ever did.)

Proud. Proud that I have accomplished alot of goals while I'm single. Proud that I can do things on my own.

Was I too proud? Maybe I am. Was I being looked up and people feel I'm unreachable? Some say so. Am I too choosy? That's what other people think but I'm really not. I just want somebody who I can talk with about anything under the sun. Doesn't need a masteral or PHD to do that.

Alot of person will be happy to know that I'll be getting married soon. It's like they're waiting for that announcement. But darn, i don't even have a boyfriend. The pressure is on. But will I let this get over me? No... I should not. But one thing i can't deny. I am running out of time and I don't have control over my fate. God, it's all up to you. :)

Wedding Tayo, Wedding Hindi

I watched this Filipino movie last Sunday with my Mom (since i can't find anyone who will join me in watching the movie and because I want to have a good time with my Mom). I am a fan of Eugene Domingo and I like Toni Gonzaga.

The movie is definitely a comedy one but one that is witty as well. The story basically showcases the hardships of married life and the hardship of planning for marriage. Although the protagonists were both female, the story also talks about the things that males ponder upon about the topic, especially when the woman they love and their mother doesn't get along well (which i think i normal in marriages in the Phils. and probably in the whole world). It's just not easy for men to choose which side they'll go with and its probably more difficult choosing to be in the middle. Marriage life is pretty stressful. Maybe that's why I'm still single. (What a way to rationalize not having a husband). But I'm pretty sure its one adventure i would want to take sometime in the future (if God will allow me to.)

To the writers and people behind this movie, Good work!

New Life

It's the first time i ever opened this blog again.

Reading through the things i have written here before....I can't help but ask why in the world did i ever wrote these things down. It made me realize one thing. That i have grown up, mature in a sense, that now i can just laugh at the things I've been through.

Life has been very good to me. 2007 I was diagnosed clinically depressed. Battled my way through that phase. Was able to find a good job after that and now an even better job. The Ups and Downs of this life had given me once again a reason to believe in God and in His promise. He really does know everything. I need no more proof to show how much He loves me. His grace will always be sufficient.

Thank you God!