These days im really very busy. I'm employed by two companies now. I have to schedule activities alot to comply with their requirements.
Im really tired. I get tired very quickly nowadays. Perhaps its because i still struggle with my self. Im still trying to get back my self confidence.
Perhaps its because i was thrown to the deepest sea and im trying to get back to the surface befor i get drowned. And im getting tired because some seaweeds caught my feet and doesnt want to let me go. Im losing so much air. But i need to get to the surface where i can see the sun again and where i can feel the breeze touch my skin.
Yes im really really tired. But i have to move on. With or without the people who used to be beside me. Guess i have to learn some things on my own.
Have to go now. alot of things still have to be done. And there's not much time left for me. I cannot die yet. I really can't.
Friday, September 07, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
Letting Go and Letting God
It has been awhile since i struggled hard to control my own life.
Almost a year ago, i thought i am living a great life. My family is intact and is getting along just fine, i am doing great at work, im happy with my love... perfect...everything seems to be perfect.
But a turning point happened. I had a vehicular accident, had an arm surgery, stayed at the hospital for 7 days, then went on leave from work for 3 months. i thought how lucky ive been to still be alive.
Finally, 3 months is over and im back to work. Back to my normal life.
But things are not as they used to be. Things were not as i have expected them to be. Then one by one everything that i have treasured have been taken away from me. First my love, then my work, then lately.... a peaceful family life.
I started questioning God how come he is picking on me, how come he cannot find somebody else to give a trial to, how come it has to be me all the time. Ive always thought that i am at peace with my God but obviously during these times, i am at war with God.
I hated my life, i hated myself, i hated everybody that had contributed to this situation.
But somehow, i cannot say i hated God. I still pray.... still go to Him for refuge and protection. Somehow i feel He heard me. And so He revealed to me what He wants. He wants me to let go of everything. He wants me to put more value to things that matters most. He wants me to accept the fact that i am not the one in control of my life. And most of all, He wants me to let Him be the pilot of my life as He only wants one thing for me.... He wants me to soar high in His love for me.
Who am i to question that? I am nothing but dust. And to God Almighty, i submit my whole life. Let me trust in your everlasting love. Amen.
Almost a year ago, i thought i am living a great life. My family is intact and is getting along just fine, i am doing great at work, im happy with my love... perfect...everything seems to be perfect.
But a turning point happened. I had a vehicular accident, had an arm surgery, stayed at the hospital for 7 days, then went on leave from work for 3 months. i thought how lucky ive been to still be alive.
Finally, 3 months is over and im back to work. Back to my normal life.
But things are not as they used to be. Things were not as i have expected them to be. Then one by one everything that i have treasured have been taken away from me. First my love, then my work, then lately.... a peaceful family life.
I started questioning God how come he is picking on me, how come he cannot find somebody else to give a trial to, how come it has to be me all the time. Ive always thought that i am at peace with my God but obviously during these times, i am at war with God.
I hated my life, i hated myself, i hated everybody that had contributed to this situation.
But somehow, i cannot say i hated God. I still pray.... still go to Him for refuge and protection. Somehow i feel He heard me. And so He revealed to me what He wants. He wants me to let go of everything. He wants me to put more value to things that matters most. He wants me to accept the fact that i am not the one in control of my life. And most of all, He wants me to let Him be the pilot of my life as He only wants one thing for me.... He wants me to soar high in His love for me.
Who am i to question that? I am nothing but dust. And to God Almighty, i submit my whole life. Let me trust in your everlasting love. Amen.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Misfortunes
this morning i was going through some old letters. My father asked me to get the address of my aunts and grandmother in Florida. I saw what i am looking for. But beneath the letter was the bunch of letters that i received from Kashif. And all those memories that i was trying hard to forget came rushing back to me. Haunting me. Pulling my spirit down again. I saw his pics. Cried and asked myself why he left me. Simple answer, he never loved me anyway. I never had him. He probably just told me he love me. For reasons i do not want to think of. I have been cheated that is a fact. And letting myself be taken by his words was the biggest mistake i have ever made. Ignoring all my friends, coworkers, and family's advise. Feeling that i can have a "me and you against the world" love story. I was a foolish girl. And i think i will wallow on this idea for quite some time more.
The other night, some thieves entered the house where i and ate lanie sleep. I cannot imagine what had happened if i had awaken at midnight or early morning (about 2 or 3 am, normally i wake up about this time then fall back to sleep) that time. I might be a dead flesh by now.
When we told relatives about it, they say it is my fault. Man.... i could have been dead if i had awakened and they say it is my fault. They ask how come i was not awakened by the noise that the theives may have created. Damn this life. I was beginning to think that kashif's curse had been transferred to me. Kashif would always ask God why He is picking on him. Is it my turn now? i am asking God now, how come all these misfortunes are happening on me. On my family. How come He would not let me recover and pick up myself again?
I do not know. I just know ill search for answers until i find them.
I may be stupid. I may be damn stupid. And my being stubborn had led me to this state i am in. And perhaps my being stubborn will also get me out of this miserable life.
Sometimes i wished i had woke up that night and had died in the hands of those thieves. At least by now, i am resting.
But God didnt allow that. I am hoping i can find His reason why. As soon as possible......
The other night, some thieves entered the house where i and ate lanie sleep. I cannot imagine what had happened if i had awaken at midnight or early morning (about 2 or 3 am, normally i wake up about this time then fall back to sleep) that time. I might be a dead flesh by now.
When we told relatives about it, they say it is my fault. Man.... i could have been dead if i had awakened and they say it is my fault. They ask how come i was not awakened by the noise that the theives may have created. Damn this life. I was beginning to think that kashif's curse had been transferred to me. Kashif would always ask God why He is picking on him. Is it my turn now? i am asking God now, how come all these misfortunes are happening on me. On my family. How come He would not let me recover and pick up myself again?
I do not know. I just know ill search for answers until i find them.
I may be stupid. I may be damn stupid. And my being stubborn had led me to this state i am in. And perhaps my being stubborn will also get me out of this miserable life.
Sometimes i wished i had woke up that night and had died in the hands of those thieves. At least by now, i am resting.
But God didnt allow that. I am hoping i can find His reason why. As soon as possible......
Thursday, August 02, 2007
realization of a confessed sinner
In my deepest moments of grief, i asked God why all my problems are pouring down like rain from heaven. When i opened my Bible, this is what i have read. I was hit by guilt especially with what i have thought of a few days ago. But then again, my Lord had washed all my sins away and made me pure again.
Psalm 103
Of David.
1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-
3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
6 The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.
7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:
8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children-
18 with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.
19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.
20 Praise the LORD, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.
21 Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.
22 Praise the LORD, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.
Psalm 103
Of David.
1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-
3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
6 The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.
7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:
8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children-
18 with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.
19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.
20 Praise the LORD, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.
21 Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.
22 Praise the LORD, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
"D" Days
I had another attack yesterday. Its one of those days when i am so lost, so down, so depressed. The "D" - Depression Days have not attacked for awhile until yesterday.
Ive been thinking of what triggered that attack. Its has long been a fact that i lost Kashif. About two months already. It has been a fact that i lost my will to continue on doing my job thus leading to my resignation. Its been a month already.
Ahhhh.... it is difficult. It is really really difficult to get up again and continue on with life not knowing what I want and what the future has in store for me.
Was it the visit of the people from our sister company from Cebu?
The Cebu people are very supportive of me. They like me. Even gave me a card where they all wrote their messages to me. Wishing me Good Luck on my next journey.
A staff there looks like Kashif. He reminds me so much of him. How he would ask me if Im fine and what went wrong with my job. Was it because of "monster" that caused me to resign? I wanted to hug him as i would hug my baby. But what good will that do to me?
A magazine says, if a man learned that his ex is losing herself because of their breakup, he feels more confident that he made the right choice. Well... If ever Kashif will read this. He can say he made the right choice. I just wish you can be happy without me. A silly stupid me as a wife could never be a good choice. In as much as an impatient husband like you is never a good choice for me. We are opposites. Probably we thought we can work it out. Or rather... i thought i can work it out. I thought i can change you with my love. But no i cannot. In fact it is the other way around. You changed me. The once confident strong willed young woman had been changed into a meek young girl, without any self esteem, unwilling to fight life's new challenges.
I do hope you are happy now. In a world without me. You can still plan to go to the Philippines, you can use my money for that. You can ask another girl from the Philippines to help you find a school here. Somebody who can give everything to you. As for me, i cannot give you anything more. I have already given what i can impart to you. Its just sad that all those are not enough. That you only look at one goal. That is getting a school and living here in Philippines. All my other efforts, all other things that showed my affection for you had been overlooked. And my love has been measured by the paper of invitation to Philippines and the admission paper from one of the universities in Philippines.
As every woman who had lost her love. I will wish the same thing. I wish that i can get up quickly, improve myself, have better opportunities in life and prove to you how much you have lost when you let go of me.
I may sound bitter. Huh! Because I AM BITTER.
Ive been thinking of what triggered that attack. Its has long been a fact that i lost Kashif. About two months already. It has been a fact that i lost my will to continue on doing my job thus leading to my resignation. Its been a month already.
Ahhhh.... it is difficult. It is really really difficult to get up again and continue on with life not knowing what I want and what the future has in store for me.
Was it the visit of the people from our sister company from Cebu?
The Cebu people are very supportive of me. They like me. Even gave me a card where they all wrote their messages to me. Wishing me Good Luck on my next journey.
A staff there looks like Kashif. He reminds me so much of him. How he would ask me if Im fine and what went wrong with my job. Was it because of "monster" that caused me to resign? I wanted to hug him as i would hug my baby. But what good will that do to me?
A magazine says, if a man learned that his ex is losing herself because of their breakup, he feels more confident that he made the right choice. Well... If ever Kashif will read this. He can say he made the right choice. I just wish you can be happy without me. A silly stupid me as a wife could never be a good choice. In as much as an impatient husband like you is never a good choice for me. We are opposites. Probably we thought we can work it out. Or rather... i thought i can work it out. I thought i can change you with my love. But no i cannot. In fact it is the other way around. You changed me. The once confident strong willed young woman had been changed into a meek young girl, without any self esteem, unwilling to fight life's new challenges.
I do hope you are happy now. In a world without me. You can still plan to go to the Philippines, you can use my money for that. You can ask another girl from the Philippines to help you find a school here. Somebody who can give everything to you. As for me, i cannot give you anything more. I have already given what i can impart to you. Its just sad that all those are not enough. That you only look at one goal. That is getting a school and living here in Philippines. All my other efforts, all other things that showed my affection for you had been overlooked. And my love has been measured by the paper of invitation to Philippines and the admission paper from one of the universities in Philippines.
As every woman who had lost her love. I will wish the same thing. I wish that i can get up quickly, improve myself, have better opportunities in life and prove to you how much you have lost when you let go of me.
I may sound bitter. Huh! Because I AM BITTER.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Hiding Inside Myself
Alot of people has asked me why i wanted to resign from my present company. My only answer was that i am not happy working in the company. Most people would stop asking for further questions and i thank them for that.
Certainly it would be difficult to answer what lies beneath the "Not being happy reason". I am looking for something.... something that i do not know yet. I know ive lost alot of things. time for My God, love, quality family time, friends, opportunities, my self confidence, money. Whew... to think that i didnt notice i have all of these treasures before. With just one incident, ive lost all of these things. It was then that i realized, how blessed i have been. And i have noone to turn to but My God. Truly, when everyone leaves you, God will remain. No matter how hard a person denies it, no matter how hard humans push Him away, He will remain a loving Father, now and forever.
For the moment, im still nursing a broken heart and spirit, a broken self. Trying to pick up the shattered pieces that i have entrusted to some other people but was thrown away. I focused too much on the broken pieces for a long time. Now i want to change my focus to the One who can and who will heal the wounds, seal the broken pieces together and make me whole again.
To My God Almighty, to You i entrust my whole Life. Thy will be done on me. Thank you. And i love you so much!
Certainly it would be difficult to answer what lies beneath the "Not being happy reason". I am looking for something.... something that i do not know yet. I know ive lost alot of things. time for My God, love, quality family time, friends, opportunities, my self confidence, money. Whew... to think that i didnt notice i have all of these treasures before. With just one incident, ive lost all of these things. It was then that i realized, how blessed i have been. And i have noone to turn to but My God. Truly, when everyone leaves you, God will remain. No matter how hard a person denies it, no matter how hard humans push Him away, He will remain a loving Father, now and forever.
For the moment, im still nursing a broken heart and spirit, a broken self. Trying to pick up the shattered pieces that i have entrusted to some other people but was thrown away. I focused too much on the broken pieces for a long time. Now i want to change my focus to the One who can and who will heal the wounds, seal the broken pieces together and make me whole again.
To My God Almighty, to You i entrust my whole Life. Thy will be done on me. Thank you. And i love you so much!
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
aint it funny?
For so long ive never seen her. She's the one who introduced me to my kashif. Ooops... sorry, i dont have the right to call him mine. Ok... let me say that again.
For so long ive never seen her who introduced me to Kashif. Its just funny, how when Kashif and I were still together, she always send her staff to come to our office to assist our staffs in using the software her company made. But now that Kashif and I are not together, probably Anna told her, all of a sudden, she's the one coming here. No more other staffs.
Well... i noticed nothing has changed with her. She still pretends that nothing happened between the two of us. And what the hell... im getting out of this company anyway, so i tried to put up with her pretentions. But im still cold with her. Why? i dont know. I dont blame her for this heartache, its definitely not her fault. But somehow, i dont feel like talking to her. or even seeing her, looking at her. Its all so weird. But whatever it is. All i know is that soon im going to leave all these things behind. And everything that has something to do with this company and everything that has something to do with my love. Im going to move on. And i'll be fine.
For so long ive never seen her who introduced me to Kashif. Its just funny, how when Kashif and I were still together, she always send her staff to come to our office to assist our staffs in using the software her company made. But now that Kashif and I are not together, probably Anna told her, all of a sudden, she's the one coming here. No more other staffs.
Well... i noticed nothing has changed with her. She still pretends that nothing happened between the two of us. And what the hell... im getting out of this company anyway, so i tried to put up with her pretentions. But im still cold with her. Why? i dont know. I dont blame her for this heartache, its definitely not her fault. But somehow, i dont feel like talking to her. or even seeing her, looking at her. Its all so weird. But whatever it is. All i know is that soon im going to leave all these things behind. And everything that has something to do with this company and everything that has something to do with my love. Im going to move on. And i'll be fine.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Never Get Over
And ill.... never get over you getting over
Ill never get over you... getting over
Ill never get over you getting over... me...
How can this ever happen to me. I never thought this song that i used to sing just because i like its melody would be such a hurtful song for me.
Kashif... only you can save me from this situation im in. Please have a heart for me.
Ill never get over you... getting over
Ill never get over you getting over... me...
How can this ever happen to me. I never thought this song that i used to sing just because i like its melody would be such a hurtful song for me.
Kashif... only you can save me from this situation im in. Please have a heart for me.
Friday, May 25, 2007
lowest point in my life
These past days when people ask me how i am doing, i always reply, i am at the lowest point in my life. Obviously, with big eyebags and with aching arms and back, how can anybody feel alright?
Of all these "bad things" happening, the worst is losing my only love. He is the only reason why i choose to fight this life's struggle. But now that he is gone, i let go of any fighting spirit. I let life take me where it will take me. I have no strength to even think about what will happen in the future. I just live each day. Live? ha! i barely notice im still alive. But like the great pretender that i am i still walk, i still talk, i still eat, i still sleep ( probably 3-4 hours each day ). I dont know, i dont care. But what i do know is the agony that i face. And how i can only let go of all emotions at the end of the day, inside the four walls of my room. cry....
Its so hard. really really hard. I want my love back. I tried sending message, calling him, sending email. But this time, nothing seems to work. My love had grown too hard on me. He had made a wall. Perhaps it is what i deserve for not taking good care of him and our relationship. I was wrong. It has always been.
Of all these "bad things" happening, the worst is losing my only love. He is the only reason why i choose to fight this life's struggle. But now that he is gone, i let go of any fighting spirit. I let life take me where it will take me. I have no strength to even think about what will happen in the future. I just live each day. Live? ha! i barely notice im still alive. But like the great pretender that i am i still walk, i still talk, i still eat, i still sleep ( probably 3-4 hours each day ). I dont know, i dont care. But what i do know is the agony that i face. And how i can only let go of all emotions at the end of the day, inside the four walls of my room. cry....
Its so hard. really really hard. I want my love back. I tried sending message, calling him, sending email. But this time, nothing seems to work. My love had grown too hard on me. He had made a wall. Perhaps it is what i deserve for not taking good care of him and our relationship. I was wrong. It has always been.
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