It has been awhile since i struggled hard to control my own life.
Almost a year ago, i thought i am living a great life. My family is intact and is getting along just fine, i am doing great at work, im happy with my love... perfect...everything seems to be perfect.
But a turning point happened. I had a vehicular accident, had an arm surgery, stayed at the hospital for 7 days, then went on leave from work for 3 months. i thought how lucky ive been to still be alive.
Finally, 3 months is over and im back to work. Back to my normal life.
But things are not as they used to be. Things were not as i have expected them to be. Then one by one everything that i have treasured have been taken away from me. First my love, then my work, then lately.... a peaceful family life.
I started questioning God how come he is picking on me, how come he cannot find somebody else to give a trial to, how come it has to be me all the time. Ive always thought that i am at peace with my God but obviously during these times, i am at war with God.
I hated my life, i hated myself, i hated everybody that had contributed to this situation.
But somehow, i cannot say i hated God. I still pray.... still go to Him for refuge and protection. Somehow i feel He heard me. And so He revealed to me what He wants. He wants me to let go of everything. He wants me to put more value to things that matters most. He wants me to accept the fact that i am not the one in control of my life. And most of all, He wants me to let Him be the pilot of my life as He only wants one thing for me.... He wants me to soar high in His love for me.
Who am i to question that? I am nothing but dust. And to God Almighty, i submit my whole life. Let me trust in your everlasting love. Amen.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Monday, August 13, 2007
Misfortunes
this morning i was going through some old letters. My father asked me to get the address of my aunts and grandmother in Florida. I saw what i am looking for. But beneath the letter was the bunch of letters that i received from Kashif. And all those memories that i was trying hard to forget came rushing back to me. Haunting me. Pulling my spirit down again. I saw his pics. Cried and asked myself why he left me. Simple answer, he never loved me anyway. I never had him. He probably just told me he love me. For reasons i do not want to think of. I have been cheated that is a fact. And letting myself be taken by his words was the biggest mistake i have ever made. Ignoring all my friends, coworkers, and family's advise. Feeling that i can have a "me and you against the world" love story. I was a foolish girl. And i think i will wallow on this idea for quite some time more.
The other night, some thieves entered the house where i and ate lanie sleep. I cannot imagine what had happened if i had awaken at midnight or early morning (about 2 or 3 am, normally i wake up about this time then fall back to sleep) that time. I might be a dead flesh by now.
When we told relatives about it, they say it is my fault. Man.... i could have been dead if i had awakened and they say it is my fault. They ask how come i was not awakened by the noise that the theives may have created. Damn this life. I was beginning to think that kashif's curse had been transferred to me. Kashif would always ask God why He is picking on him. Is it my turn now? i am asking God now, how come all these misfortunes are happening on me. On my family. How come He would not let me recover and pick up myself again?
I do not know. I just know ill search for answers until i find them.
I may be stupid. I may be damn stupid. And my being stubborn had led me to this state i am in. And perhaps my being stubborn will also get me out of this miserable life.
Sometimes i wished i had woke up that night and had died in the hands of those thieves. At least by now, i am resting.
But God didnt allow that. I am hoping i can find His reason why. As soon as possible......
The other night, some thieves entered the house where i and ate lanie sleep. I cannot imagine what had happened if i had awaken at midnight or early morning (about 2 or 3 am, normally i wake up about this time then fall back to sleep) that time. I might be a dead flesh by now.
When we told relatives about it, they say it is my fault. Man.... i could have been dead if i had awakened and they say it is my fault. They ask how come i was not awakened by the noise that the theives may have created. Damn this life. I was beginning to think that kashif's curse had been transferred to me. Kashif would always ask God why He is picking on him. Is it my turn now? i am asking God now, how come all these misfortunes are happening on me. On my family. How come He would not let me recover and pick up myself again?
I do not know. I just know ill search for answers until i find them.
I may be stupid. I may be damn stupid. And my being stubborn had led me to this state i am in. And perhaps my being stubborn will also get me out of this miserable life.
Sometimes i wished i had woke up that night and had died in the hands of those thieves. At least by now, i am resting.
But God didnt allow that. I am hoping i can find His reason why. As soon as possible......
Thursday, August 02, 2007
realization of a confessed sinner
In my deepest moments of grief, i asked God why all my problems are pouring down like rain from heaven. When i opened my Bible, this is what i have read. I was hit by guilt especially with what i have thought of a few days ago. But then again, my Lord had washed all my sins away and made me pure again.
Psalm 103
Of David.
1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-
3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
6 The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.
7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:
8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children-
18 with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.
19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.
20 Praise the LORD, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.
21 Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.
22 Praise the LORD, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.
Psalm 103
Of David.
1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-
3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
6 The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.
7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:
8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children-
18 with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.
19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.
20 Praise the LORD, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.
21 Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.
22 Praise the LORD, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
"D" Days
I had another attack yesterday. Its one of those days when i am so lost, so down, so depressed. The "D" - Depression Days have not attacked for awhile until yesterday.
Ive been thinking of what triggered that attack. Its has long been a fact that i lost Kashif. About two months already. It has been a fact that i lost my will to continue on doing my job thus leading to my resignation. Its been a month already.
Ahhhh.... it is difficult. It is really really difficult to get up again and continue on with life not knowing what I want and what the future has in store for me.
Was it the visit of the people from our sister company from Cebu?
The Cebu people are very supportive of me. They like me. Even gave me a card where they all wrote their messages to me. Wishing me Good Luck on my next journey.
A staff there looks like Kashif. He reminds me so much of him. How he would ask me if Im fine and what went wrong with my job. Was it because of "monster" that caused me to resign? I wanted to hug him as i would hug my baby. But what good will that do to me?
A magazine says, if a man learned that his ex is losing herself because of their breakup, he feels more confident that he made the right choice. Well... If ever Kashif will read this. He can say he made the right choice. I just wish you can be happy without me. A silly stupid me as a wife could never be a good choice. In as much as an impatient husband like you is never a good choice for me. We are opposites. Probably we thought we can work it out. Or rather... i thought i can work it out. I thought i can change you with my love. But no i cannot. In fact it is the other way around. You changed me. The once confident strong willed young woman had been changed into a meek young girl, without any self esteem, unwilling to fight life's new challenges.
I do hope you are happy now. In a world without me. You can still plan to go to the Philippines, you can use my money for that. You can ask another girl from the Philippines to help you find a school here. Somebody who can give everything to you. As for me, i cannot give you anything more. I have already given what i can impart to you. Its just sad that all those are not enough. That you only look at one goal. That is getting a school and living here in Philippines. All my other efforts, all other things that showed my affection for you had been overlooked. And my love has been measured by the paper of invitation to Philippines and the admission paper from one of the universities in Philippines.
As every woman who had lost her love. I will wish the same thing. I wish that i can get up quickly, improve myself, have better opportunities in life and prove to you how much you have lost when you let go of me.
I may sound bitter. Huh! Because I AM BITTER.
Ive been thinking of what triggered that attack. Its has long been a fact that i lost Kashif. About two months already. It has been a fact that i lost my will to continue on doing my job thus leading to my resignation. Its been a month already.
Ahhhh.... it is difficult. It is really really difficult to get up again and continue on with life not knowing what I want and what the future has in store for me.
Was it the visit of the people from our sister company from Cebu?
The Cebu people are very supportive of me. They like me. Even gave me a card where they all wrote their messages to me. Wishing me Good Luck on my next journey.
A staff there looks like Kashif. He reminds me so much of him. How he would ask me if Im fine and what went wrong with my job. Was it because of "monster" that caused me to resign? I wanted to hug him as i would hug my baby. But what good will that do to me?
A magazine says, if a man learned that his ex is losing herself because of their breakup, he feels more confident that he made the right choice. Well... If ever Kashif will read this. He can say he made the right choice. I just wish you can be happy without me. A silly stupid me as a wife could never be a good choice. In as much as an impatient husband like you is never a good choice for me. We are opposites. Probably we thought we can work it out. Or rather... i thought i can work it out. I thought i can change you with my love. But no i cannot. In fact it is the other way around. You changed me. The once confident strong willed young woman had been changed into a meek young girl, without any self esteem, unwilling to fight life's new challenges.
I do hope you are happy now. In a world without me. You can still plan to go to the Philippines, you can use my money for that. You can ask another girl from the Philippines to help you find a school here. Somebody who can give everything to you. As for me, i cannot give you anything more. I have already given what i can impart to you. Its just sad that all those are not enough. That you only look at one goal. That is getting a school and living here in Philippines. All my other efforts, all other things that showed my affection for you had been overlooked. And my love has been measured by the paper of invitation to Philippines and the admission paper from one of the universities in Philippines.
As every woman who had lost her love. I will wish the same thing. I wish that i can get up quickly, improve myself, have better opportunities in life and prove to you how much you have lost when you let go of me.
I may sound bitter. Huh! Because I AM BITTER.
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