New Look

Everyday life is changing... Continue to make a difference...

This is what i hear on an online radio. And then one application in FB says, try something new today. Tells me I need a break from a routine. So here's what i thought of. A new look for my blog. Hahaha. Its something small but still a difference. And little by little i know i can make a everyday different from previous days.

As one song says... One step at a time... I'm climbing my mountain, one step at a time.

Today is different from the rest. Why? Previous days i would always complain about the time when i am not doing anything at work. But now i realized there are alot of things I can do when I dont have a pending task at work. I can write emails and blogs for one, I can read posts in facebook, research about my sickness or anything under the sun. Call home and have a chat with my Mom. Send a text message to my sister, who i realized i have not talked to as much as before. I listen to online radios, read news, download music. There's so much to do to let idle time pass by until a new task comes up and I become busy again. Afterwhich, i can resume doing these things again. Life is sometimes like this. It does not have to be hard all the time. Sometimes it can be easy.

I don't have to be hard on myself. :)

Happy State

Generally I've been in a happy state since Saturday. I've been blessed with a caring family and friends. And a wonderful God.

I watched a comedy movie, Praybeyt Benjamin, with my parents last Saturday. Prior to that I had a really nice talk with my Psychiatrist. Talking to her always leaves me a positive outlook in life. Its as if I had sorted out things in my life which can make me go on living for another month until I see her again. She's like a friend already.

Anyways, going back to the movie, it was a great comedy movie. The people in the moviehouse were laughing in unison on the simplest jokes. I think we all need a good laugh that day and we were immensely satisfied. My father said the movie is quite a short one, which means he enjoyed the movie that he didn't notice the time.

I accomplished a number of good things since the start of the workweek. I managed to handle a series of feeling tensed due to meetings with various people where I'm the main person and not just the one listening. Sigh. I wish I can be more confident next time.

I had a really nice conversation with a friend which made me realize alot of things that I need to change in my attitude in life. She helped me sort out my confusions and clarify things that i need to do to change the current unhappy state in my life. I think I'm starting to do some changes little by little since that talk.

Happy. Its so nice to be Happy. Falalala. Hahaha. I love it!

Feeling Blessed

I thought of creating a masterpiece article in this blog entry. But then again, i know I'm not a writer. And the purpose why i created this blog is for me to write how i feel so I decided to write from the heart instead.

I feel blessed today. Blessed with friends who cares and who did not judge me for what happened to me more than 2 years ago. It was the time when I've had depression. Although the doctor have not told me the type of depression I had. ( I have never asked.)I think I've had psychotic depression. I was hearing voices before. Voices that tells me what to do, how to think, and what other people are thinking about me and the family. To me it was all so real. For some time I thought I could hear thoughts of other people and its a special power or gift. So for quite some time I thought I could handle the "gift". Until it all went out of control and I cannot control my emotions and thoughts anymore. I became irrational and I've lost my mind. I don't know what I say and do at that time. All these things i didn't keep from some of my chosen friends. They know everything.

Just recently I've had the same experience again. But now I know I'm not going through this alone. I know aside from my family, I do have my friends. Friends who really cares. Who never leave you when you need them. They know when I am joking about this experience but deep inside I need help again. With them I need not say things bluntly. It's as if, they can interpret a single sigh.

I can say anything to them now. I can tell them about fears about the future, about being alone, about not having my own family, about questioning my faith in God. And they've been very patient... listening to every word I say. And then telling me things that would pacify my confused state...providing insights out of their own experiences that would make me feel loved and blessed. I am overwhelmed by this feeling that I have to write it down.

Oh and one more thing.... I miss another bestfriend... JESUS. I hope I can talk with him again. The kind of talking that I have with my other friends. I hope to have the kind of conversation that we used to have before... just like when I was in college. I HOPE TO TALK TO YOU SOON!!! I MISS YOU JESUS!

Blogging

I don't really have anything new to say here today. Come to think of it, my life has been pretty much the same. I still have the same concerns as what I've already posted in here. I guess i should do something different to make my life more interesting to share here.

Here are some bits of new things though:
1. The project I started planning has been approved and we will start implementing it by November 22. I hope it will all go well. I hope we would see alot of things to improve and the activity would be fruitful. I hope we could achieve goals we have set for this project. This is my first major project so I'm really hoping for best results.
2. One of my colleague has become a father for the first time. All of us in the office are very happy for him. Of course some of us envy him for having the best Christmas gift. How we wish we could have the same fate sometime soon in the future. :)
3. At home, we've been busy last week due to halloween and all soul's day. But its still something we would want to do over and over for the memory of those who have passed away in the family. Show them we love them and we do remember them and pray for them. At the same time we ask for their guidance as we all know they're looking down at us from heaven. Come to think of it I should have created another blog about it. If i have time tomorrow I would write a blog about halloween.I would end my entry here for now. It's almost time to go home.

I miss home. I want to rest and have a small chat with my family before I go to sleep. :) See yah tomorrow!

On the Run

This week is really great! Gone are the mornings where I think about what can I possibly do for the day. When I come to work, I have a series of activities lined up. Great! And just when a task is about to be finished and I would have nothing to do again, another task comes up. Its really great!

A friend who I talked to about my relaxed work schedule which bores me and make me not want to go to work told me I have a really "big problem". She told me that sarcastically. I know she's having more complex problems that me at work. But to me this is a big thing. Not wanting to go to work means less income and more time to think about what to do. I'm the kind of person who likes to have the time to think about what to do next. But doing that every 15 minutes is a torture already. It made me feel worthless to the company.

But this week is different from the rest. THANK YOU GOD! I've been asking for this in prayers and my prayers were answered! AGAIN, THANK YOU GOD! Nothing is really impossible with God.

I feel like I'm running on a race this week. And it feels good to run on a race track. (I wish i can do the same physically for my health, hehehe) I LOVE THIS WEEK.

By the way, this weekend is a long holiday. All the more reason to be happy about! Life is just great! It's good to be alive indeed. I hope every week is like this. :)

Doing Nothing

I have never had a work schedule like this. For more than a week now I go to work without a particular thing to do. My work as a Document Controller in this company had been very lenient that mostly I do not have anything to do throughout the day. Having already updated the databases, my work now begins when there's a new document that needs to be uploaded and updated in the system, which does not happen everyday and which only occurs once or twice at a time. Updating the system only takes about 10-15 minutes. So you can just imagine the things I do to let the time pass by. I surf the net. I am online in facebook and reading status updates from friends all throughout the day. I call my parents just to have a small chat. I read news in yahoo. I open all my email accounts. I write blogs. Wow, I just realized I do alot of things these past few days. The only problem is, they're not work related. And I feel guilty about it. My colleagues have alot of things to do that they sometimes forget the time. (Except when their stomach growls signalling the time for lunch).

I do not like to have this kind of schedule all the days of my life. So I'm thinking of actually asking my boss to give me a routine job to keep me busy. My only problem is if this situation I'm in is just seasonal and sometime soon I'll be busy updating the system with alot of information. Which means asking for an additional routine job would mean punishing myself eventually. But I figured my boss would know whether this situation would be seasonal or not. And asking him for routine work would mean I don't like idle time and that I value my time in the company.

I hope to find the courage to talk to my boss before I get bored with this job.

Life and Death

I didn't know who Steve Jobs was until yesterday when I heard the news about his death.

I'm not a techy person so I usually don't give a damn about the industry. (Ironically, I'm working in an IC Fabless company now.)

Anyways, reading through some quotes from Steve Jobs in facebook made me insterested to know about him more. One would be awed as to how Steve Jobs lived his life. A college drop-out and yet managed to put up a one hell of a great company, Apple. Was struck by a challenge when he got kicked out of his own company but managed to put up another company, Pixar, another one successful venture. Makes me wanna think that perhaps there are people meant for greatness. People who knows what they want and knows how to achieve them. At an early age he knew college will not help him know what he wants to do. He followed his heart. What's pretty amazing is he understood what his heart wants. Me, i dont have an idea. Being diagnosed with depression i feel like i cannot trust what i feel, so i cannot trust my heart. Just like now. I feel like i dont like my job anymore, so i sometimes think about quitting again. But in the absence of any alternative, I stay with this job, hoping that everything will turn out fine and this feeling is just part of my being depressed and in time, with the help of medications and counselling, this will all go away.

I envy Steve Jobs' life. I feel like he has accomplished what he came here to do. He left a mark into this world. I wish i can be the same. Maybe not as spectacular, but at least i want to leave a mark. A mark i can call my own. A heroine in some sense. Perhaps not to everyone but at least to the people I've been with. I hope I could find my own greatness. Know what i want, what my heart tells me to do before i leave this world and die. Just like Steve Jobs, and live a great life.

Back on Track

I feel like I'm back! Thank You God!!!

Today i started the day really low. I actually thought of not going to work. I was glad I didn't follow my feeling this morning.

I was busy the whole morning. I got to finish a few things early and then my brain seems to be working today. I got some ideas for the planned supplier audit. I feel like I'm getting my rhythym back. I was really really glad.

Thanks to my youngest sister too. She proved that the distance between us will not hinder the two of us from being sisters, from supporting each other no matter what. I love my sister very much. And i really do miss her alot. Good thing we talked through email this morning. At least i know someone listens.

LOST

I dunno what has gotten into me. For the past weeks I seem to be complacent and seemingly not wanting to do anything but the routinary stuff. Updating, reviewing documents and ensure they are archived and linked to the correct devices. I told during my job interview that if this work would only be mostly clerical in nature, i would not accept it. But now that I was in my 6th month at work, I seem to like the clerical part and not the facilitator of improvement part.

I am an addict for improvement before. I initiate things. But now, I feel like just going with the flow. I hate it. It seems that my brain is not working anymore. I hate the fact that I don't want to exert effort to do other things aside from my routine. To think that I'm getting bored with my routines.

This is not a good sign. I've got to find my rhythm back. I've got to think outside the box. I've got to be my old self in that sense.

I want to always be a FACILITATOR of IMPROVEMENT. Got to learn, got to think, got to act.... NOW!!!!

Letting Time Go By

Monday, the start of a whole new work week. It has been a much better day than most days prior. I had a productive meeting and is looking forward to another meeting tomorrow. Hope to learn alot tomorrow.

But like all the other days, I was not busy. That's why I have time to write a blog today. I'm not happy with too much idle time. I wait for the day when I would be busy again. I wait for the day when I have another thing to do after I finished one. Or the times when I would have to monitor my schedule to make sure I alot time for each activity.

Oh busy days... how i miss you. Hahaha. (Quite ironic for most member of the workforce where people long for a breather from daily tasks).

But like a previous colleague said, enjoy these times. Because when work comes.... it doesn't just rain, it pours. :)

On Getting Married

I'll be turning 30 next month and I am still single.

Should I be ashamed or proud of that?

Ashamed. Ashamed of not being able to attact members of the opposite sex or not being able to keep them interested. For the last 29 years I have had just one boyfriend. A long distance affair. Maybe its the distance that made him love me. (If he ever did.)

Proud. Proud that I have accomplished alot of goals while I'm single. Proud that I can do things on my own.

Was I too proud? Maybe I am. Was I being looked up and people feel I'm unreachable? Some say so. Am I too choosy? That's what other people think but I'm really not. I just want somebody who I can talk with about anything under the sun. Doesn't need a masteral or PHD to do that.

Alot of person will be happy to know that I'll be getting married soon. It's like they're waiting for that announcement. But darn, i don't even have a boyfriend. The pressure is on. But will I let this get over me? No... I should not. But one thing i can't deny. I am running out of time and I don't have control over my fate. God, it's all up to you. :)

Wedding Tayo, Wedding Hindi

I watched this Filipino movie last Sunday with my Mom (since i can't find anyone who will join me in watching the movie and because I want to have a good time with my Mom). I am a fan of Eugene Domingo and I like Toni Gonzaga.

The movie is definitely a comedy one but one that is witty as well. The story basically showcases the hardships of married life and the hardship of planning for marriage. Although the protagonists were both female, the story also talks about the things that males ponder upon about the topic, especially when the woman they love and their mother doesn't get along well (which i think i normal in marriages in the Phils. and probably in the whole world). It's just not easy for men to choose which side they'll go with and its probably more difficult choosing to be in the middle. Marriage life is pretty stressful. Maybe that's why I'm still single. (What a way to rationalize not having a husband). But I'm pretty sure its one adventure i would want to take sometime in the future (if God will allow me to.)

To the writers and people behind this movie, Good work!

New Life

It's the first time i ever opened this blog again.

Reading through the things i have written here before....I can't help but ask why in the world did i ever wrote these things down. It made me realize one thing. That i have grown up, mature in a sense, that now i can just laugh at the things I've been through.

Life has been very good to me. 2007 I was diagnosed clinically depressed. Battled my way through that phase. Was able to find a good job after that and now an even better job. The Ups and Downs of this life had given me once again a reason to believe in God and in His promise. He really does know everything. I need no more proof to show how much He loves me. His grace will always be sufficient.

Thank you God!

Stressful weeks

i do not really know how to start this one.

what have i had the past week?

well... i received a salary increase. the realignment was really something. sometimes one cannot really know what satisfaction means....

i had the chance to tell a friend how i really feel about his actions and grievances over work and over the people that manages the company. we had an argument alright. but i really do hope that our friendship will not be affected by this. i just had to say the things that i have to say. for myself, for him, for our group and for everyone to get along well.

who i have crushes on was now known by at least 6 to 10 person. funny how a simple chat can make everyone know things that you have been keeping for a relatively long time. in the next months, i would not be surprised if my crushes would know i do have crush on them. haha. ("how high schoolish!")

its sad to know that two person in the company who i think don't deserve to be out of the company was actually forced to resign. where's due process? when people are forced to resign the day they commit mistakes.... is this how things are in a BPO company?

Expectations are alot higher this quarter specially that i met my targets last Q4 2008. Hopefully i can still meet all targets this Q1 2009. May God grant me the strength, wisdom & courage.

On looking back and insights for 2009

Happy New Year!

Every new year i look back to the year that was and hope for the best for the coming year. This act has been habit.... more like an addiction... that i can't help myself not to do. I think its just human to kinda reflect abit of what the previous year had brought you and what you want to do for the present year or the future years to come. New year resolutions is not a thing for me... not just because i never really get to do those resolutions. (hahaha). Today i learned of an even more important question to ask myself.... "What's my LIFE PLAN?"

Last year was a roller coaster of emotions for me brought about by alot of changes.

1. Change in physical condition..... I had my 2nd operation January 15 last year. I had to do it as my 1st left arm surgery was a failure. Screws loosened and another operation had to be done to put bones in place. About August my humerus bones have not grown, which according to my doctor is kinda delayed at that time and suggested another operation. That time, due to lack of financial resources and the avoidance of another long stay in bed after the operation, i insisted on not having that and give my arm more time to grow. The doctor agreed and luckily, about October, my arm showed signs of improvement. The bones are not completely attached together though until this very moment, but hey, the future looks bright for my bones. Its still giving me the pain though, specially that the weather now is really cold and my arm hurts when its cold. But I'm getting used to it. :-)

2. Change in emotional condition.... On this aspect, i have not done so much progress. Still missing somebody that after all these time without any communication, not a single phone call, not a single message, whatsoever, still occupies the same spot. I think its gonna take some more time for this stupid girl to move on. That's me.... I guess I'll have to live with the pain a little longer. I do believe that the only cure for a broken heart is to find another person to love. Whoever you are that God created for me... please hurry and find me.

3. Change in career.... Well... after finally getting out of the Japanese company i worked with for 5 years and became an ISO consultant afterwards.... I joined an American company middle of August 2008. So far so good. I'm enjoying my stay there. I had the chance to go to US but with the pending immigrant petition i have... the consul never allowed me to have a non immigrant visa. So... within our group, I was the only one who was not able to visit our Office in Richmond California for the training. Had to learn all the things I have to know through net meetings and phone conferences. I managed to be doing exactly what the company wants me to do inspite of the mode of training we had. I guess I do not need to go to California in the first place. That.... was not part of God's plan.... at least not yet.

What's my Life Plan for 2009?

Well...I plan to invest on a car or a house and lot next year. That's my ultimate goal. Probably get a loan to pay for the initial payment and have the rest of the cost paid through montly installments / ammortization. I want to have my parents move from my grandmother's house and have the peace and quiet neighborhood without jealous aunts and uncles around. Or.... maybe i would have an apartment build so the family can have additional, steady income.

If God will allow it, i want to have a stable relationship with "The God-Sent Guy". Note....I didn't say "Mr. Right" or "The Perfect Guy". I like "The God-Sent Guy" best. I've had enough of looking for "Mr. Right or Mr. Perfect". I know i do not need to look. Cause, if God will permit it, He'll lead "God-Sent Guy" to find me.

All the best for 2009!

tired but moving on

These days im really very busy. I'm employed by two companies now. I have to schedule activities alot to comply with their requirements.

Im really tired. I get tired very quickly nowadays. Perhaps its because i still struggle with my self. Im still trying to get back my self confidence.

Perhaps its because i was thrown to the deepest sea and im trying to get back to the surface befor i get drowned. And im getting tired because some seaweeds caught my feet and doesnt want to let me go. Im losing so much air. But i need to get to the surface where i can see the sun again and where i can feel the breeze touch my skin.

Yes im really really tired. But i have to move on. With or without the people who used to be beside me. Guess i have to learn some things on my own.

Have to go now. alot of things still have to be done. And there's not much time left for me. I cannot die yet. I really can't.

Letting Go and Letting God

It has been awhile since i struggled hard to control my own life.

Almost a year ago, i thought i am living a great life. My family is intact and is getting along just fine, i am doing great at work, im happy with my love... perfect...everything seems to be perfect.

But a turning point happened. I had a vehicular accident, had an arm surgery, stayed at the hospital for 7 days, then went on leave from work for 3 months. i thought how lucky ive been to still be alive.

Finally, 3 months is over and im back to work. Back to my normal life.

But things are not as they used to be. Things were not as i have expected them to be. Then one by one everything that i have treasured have been taken away from me. First my love, then my work, then lately.... a peaceful family life.

I started questioning God how come he is picking on me, how come he cannot find somebody else to give a trial to, how come it has to be me all the time. Ive always thought that i am at peace with my God but obviously during these times, i am at war with God.

I hated my life, i hated myself, i hated everybody that had contributed to this situation.

But somehow, i cannot say i hated God. I still pray.... still go to Him for refuge and protection. Somehow i feel He heard me. And so He revealed to me what He wants. He wants me to let go of everything. He wants me to put more value to things that matters most. He wants me to accept the fact that i am not the one in control of my life. And most of all, He wants me to let Him be the pilot of my life as He only wants one thing for me.... He wants me to soar high in His love for me.

Who am i to question that? I am nothing but dust. And to God Almighty, i submit my whole life. Let me trust in your everlasting love. Amen.

Misfortunes

this morning i was going through some old letters. My father asked me to get the address of my aunts and grandmother in Florida. I saw what i am looking for. But beneath the letter was the bunch of letters that i received from Kashif. And all those memories that i was trying hard to forget came rushing back to me. Haunting me. Pulling my spirit down again. I saw his pics. Cried and asked myself why he left me. Simple answer, he never loved me anyway. I never had him. He probably just told me he love me. For reasons i do not want to think of. I have been cheated that is a fact. And letting myself be taken by his words was the biggest mistake i have ever made. Ignoring all my friends, coworkers, and family's advise. Feeling that i can have a "me and you against the world" love story. I was a foolish girl. And i think i will wallow on this idea for quite some time more.

The other night, some thieves entered the house where i and ate lanie sleep. I cannot imagine what had happened if i had awaken at midnight or early morning (about 2 or 3 am, normally i wake up about this time then fall back to sleep) that time. I might be a dead flesh by now.

When we told relatives about it, they say it is my fault. Man.... i could have been dead if i had awakened and they say it is my fault. They ask how come i was not awakened by the noise that the theives may have created. Damn this life. I was beginning to think that kashif's curse had been transferred to me. Kashif would always ask God why He is picking on him. Is it my turn now? i am asking God now, how come all these misfortunes are happening on me. On my family. How come He would not let me recover and pick up myself again?

I do not know. I just know ill search for answers until i find them.

I may be stupid. I may be damn stupid. And my being stubborn had led me to this state i am in. And perhaps my being stubborn will also get me out of this miserable life.

Sometimes i wished i had woke up that night and had died in the hands of those thieves. At least by now, i am resting.

But God didnt allow that. I am hoping i can find His reason why. As soon as possible......

realization of a confessed sinner

In my deepest moments of grief, i asked God why all my problems are pouring down like rain from heaven. When i opened my Bible, this is what i have read. I was hit by guilt especially with what i have thought of a few days ago. But then again, my Lord had washed all my sins away and made me pure again.

Psalm 103
Of David.
1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-
3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
6 The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.
7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:
8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children-
18 with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.
19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.
20 Praise the LORD, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.
21 Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.
22 Praise the LORD, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.

"D" Days

I had another attack yesterday. Its one of those days when i am so lost, so down, so depressed. The "D" - Depression Days have not attacked for awhile until yesterday.

Ive been thinking of what triggered that attack. Its has long been a fact that i lost Kashif. About two months already. It has been a fact that i lost my will to continue on doing my job thus leading to my resignation. Its been a month already.

Ahhhh.... it is difficult. It is really really difficult to get up again and continue on with life not knowing what I want and what the future has in store for me.

Was it the visit of the people from our sister company from Cebu?

The Cebu people are very supportive of me. They like me. Even gave me a card where they all wrote their messages to me. Wishing me Good Luck on my next journey.

A staff there looks like Kashif. He reminds me so much of him. How he would ask me if Im fine and what went wrong with my job. Was it because of "monster" that caused me to resign? I wanted to hug him as i would hug my baby. But what good will that do to me?

A magazine says, if a man learned that his ex is losing herself because of their breakup, he feels more confident that he made the right choice. Well... If ever Kashif will read this. He can say he made the right choice. I just wish you can be happy without me. A silly stupid me as a wife could never be a good choice. In as much as an impatient husband like you is never a good choice for me. We are opposites. Probably we thought we can work it out. Or rather... i thought i can work it out. I thought i can change you with my love. But no i cannot. In fact it is the other way around. You changed me. The once confident strong willed young woman had been changed into a meek young girl, without any self esteem, unwilling to fight life's new challenges.

I do hope you are happy now. In a world without me. You can still plan to go to the Philippines, you can use my money for that. You can ask another girl from the Philippines to help you find a school here. Somebody who can give everything to you. As for me, i cannot give you anything more. I have already given what i can impart to you. Its just sad that all those are not enough. That you only look at one goal. That is getting a school and living here in Philippines. All my other efforts, all other things that showed my affection for you had been overlooked. And my love has been measured by the paper of invitation to Philippines and the admission paper from one of the universities in Philippines.

As every woman who had lost her love. I will wish the same thing. I wish that i can get up quickly, improve myself, have better opportunities in life and prove to you how much you have lost when you let go of me.

I may sound bitter. Huh! Because I AM BITTER.