"D" Days

I had another attack yesterday. Its one of those days when i am so lost, so down, so depressed. The "D" - Depression Days have not attacked for awhile until yesterday.

Ive been thinking of what triggered that attack. Its has long been a fact that i lost Kashif. About two months already. It has been a fact that i lost my will to continue on doing my job thus leading to my resignation. Its been a month already.

Ahhhh.... it is difficult. It is really really difficult to get up again and continue on with life not knowing what I want and what the future has in store for me.

Was it the visit of the people from our sister company from Cebu?

The Cebu people are very supportive of me. They like me. Even gave me a card where they all wrote their messages to me. Wishing me Good Luck on my next journey.

A staff there looks like Kashif. He reminds me so much of him. How he would ask me if Im fine and what went wrong with my job. Was it because of "monster" that caused me to resign? I wanted to hug him as i would hug my baby. But what good will that do to me?

A magazine says, if a man learned that his ex is losing herself because of their breakup, he feels more confident that he made the right choice. Well... If ever Kashif will read this. He can say he made the right choice. I just wish you can be happy without me. A silly stupid me as a wife could never be a good choice. In as much as an impatient husband like you is never a good choice for me. We are opposites. Probably we thought we can work it out. Or rather... i thought i can work it out. I thought i can change you with my love. But no i cannot. In fact it is the other way around. You changed me. The once confident strong willed young woman had been changed into a meek young girl, without any self esteem, unwilling to fight life's new challenges.

I do hope you are happy now. In a world without me. You can still plan to go to the Philippines, you can use my money for that. You can ask another girl from the Philippines to help you find a school here. Somebody who can give everything to you. As for me, i cannot give you anything more. I have already given what i can impart to you. Its just sad that all those are not enough. That you only look at one goal. That is getting a school and living here in Philippines. All my other efforts, all other things that showed my affection for you had been overlooked. And my love has been measured by the paper of invitation to Philippines and the admission paper from one of the universities in Philippines.

As every woman who had lost her love. I will wish the same thing. I wish that i can get up quickly, improve myself, have better opportunities in life and prove to you how much you have lost when you let go of me.

I may sound bitter. Huh! Because I AM BITTER.