Misfortunes

this morning i was going through some old letters. My father asked me to get the address of my aunts and grandmother in Florida. I saw what i am looking for. But beneath the letter was the bunch of letters that i received from Kashif. And all those memories that i was trying hard to forget came rushing back to me. Haunting me. Pulling my spirit down again. I saw his pics. Cried and asked myself why he left me. Simple answer, he never loved me anyway. I never had him. He probably just told me he love me. For reasons i do not want to think of. I have been cheated that is a fact. And letting myself be taken by his words was the biggest mistake i have ever made. Ignoring all my friends, coworkers, and family's advise. Feeling that i can have a "me and you against the world" love story. I was a foolish girl. And i think i will wallow on this idea for quite some time more.

The other night, some thieves entered the house where i and ate lanie sleep. I cannot imagine what had happened if i had awaken at midnight or early morning (about 2 or 3 am, normally i wake up about this time then fall back to sleep) that time. I might be a dead flesh by now.

When we told relatives about it, they say it is my fault. Man.... i could have been dead if i had awakened and they say it is my fault. They ask how come i was not awakened by the noise that the theives may have created. Damn this life. I was beginning to think that kashif's curse had been transferred to me. Kashif would always ask God why He is picking on him. Is it my turn now? i am asking God now, how come all these misfortunes are happening on me. On my family. How come He would not let me recover and pick up myself again?

I do not know. I just know ill search for answers until i find them.

I may be stupid. I may be damn stupid. And my being stubborn had led me to this state i am in. And perhaps my being stubborn will also get me out of this miserable life.

Sometimes i wished i had woke up that night and had died in the hands of those thieves. At least by now, i am resting.

But God didnt allow that. I am hoping i can find His reason why. As soon as possible......